Just humming along, everything seeming to go according to plan.
Then, there it is…the morsel of doubt…the blip in confidence…suddenly I have lost my way.
On the outside the path appears unchanged but on the inside the screen has just gone dark.
In that blip, that fractional space of darkness, I am momentarily paralyzed by thoughts that I am not all that…I don’t know what I’m doing…I become lost in judgment and expectations.
Everyone has them, those points of doubt when the screen seems to go blank. That’s when we must dig deep and patiently allow the system a chance to reboot, clearing out the malware and drawing on the back up files of imagination, courage, and wisdom to stay the course.
Life is not about suffering. Yet, frequently I fall into a pattern of thinking I am not fully living my life if there is not conflict or hardship.
I have made up a story that there is no room for me to be happy, no time or purpose for self care, rest, nourishment, and companionship. No space for laughter, play, and love.
Yet without those features my life is not complete and I move farther and farther away from my natural state of being.
I don’t even realize that the life I think I should be leading, the life that constantly tells me I am not worthy and not enough, is shrouding me in darkness, not because that is who I am supposed to be but as a reminder of what I am deeper inside.
I am enough just the way I am. I am successful right here and now. I am capable of feeling strong, happy, and healthy always. I am worthy of goodness.
I am made of love and my real purpose here in this place and time is to be a source of love for myself and others.
All the other stuff – the striving, the suffering, and self-deprecation — is just like cobwebs and dust, painting a picture of dismay and decay. However, quite easily with a swift and conscious swipe I can clear them all away to restore the beauty of the forgotten objects that reside just below.
In this cleaning of my house, I once more feel the freshness, spaciousness, and goodness that is intended to be. In devoting just that little bit of time and attention, that quick swipe, to restoring the luster, everything seems to fall into place. When that shroud is removed all that remains is the goodness that is in fact my life and who I am supposed to be.
Lashing out at the circumstances around me instead of diving into the power within me.
There within I always have the capacity to choose, to “re-cognize” and bring back into my mental awareness my own tools of agency. I don’t need someone else to pick me up, to defend me, or clear the way for me.
I can feel confident, strong, and happy through my own decision making.
Whatever the story, with agency I can produce my own powerful, beautiful ending.
At my core, there is a fiery hot center, a burning ember that stokes my will, drives to protect me, and provides great strength.
When guided by my intuition that fire burns bright as the sun in the distance, like a gentle warrior claiming victory through kindness and compassion.
When led by ego, it becomes blinding and oppressive, randomly erupting in all directions.
That is when I call upon the moon.
The moon with its still darkness brings calm, restores balance. Gathering and redirecting the excessive sun energy, the moon cools the fire to a soft, gentle glow once more.
The mist of ego retreats and the inner wisdom once more shines humbly.
The moon provides just the right light for me to see my way.
Inside, bright and shining. Outside soft and calm.
Harnessing the strength of the sun and the peace of the moon, I am whole once more.
The newly hatched baby bird peeks out of its nest certain of its purpose, tuned to that silent bigness beyond.
And, in its final moments, while completely different in form and experiences, it takes its last few breaths of what it knows as this life, peeks out over the edge, certain of it purpose, tuned to the silent bigness beyond.
And, if it has been fortunate enough to trust its inner knowing in between those moments, it knew of its own greatness, tuned to the silent bigness beyond, and lived with happiness and freedom.
Instinctively, as I get caught in the tugging, dragging, pulling pressure of the rip tide, I tense, tighten, and fight for control. I can’t see it but I struggle violently against this force that seems bigger than me. Then, just when all seems hopeless, I let go. I allow the tide to carry me.
Suddenly now I am floating on its surface instead of kicking against its hold on me. Instead of feeling I have lost control, I trust the waters to carry me.
Just then the fighting stops. When I release the resistance, I gain my freedom.
The current carries me farther and farther out but I relax more and more into the rocking motion of the water and the excitement of going somewhere new.
And then the current changes. I gradually float closer to the shore. I arrive not in the same place but still me, having lost nothing by giving up that control.
I stand at the water’s edge now wondering what other hidden currents are calling me to let go of resistance in order to arrive at some place new.
To stand strong, deeply rooted in the earth, proudly displaying your majesty and power.
Or, to bow humbly, providing the contrast to the sky and the scaffolding on which the sky balances, sprawls, and expands.
It is our role as teachers and leaders of today’s children to do both. To stand strong, firmly rooted in our values and beliefs, and at the same time submit to the greater knowing that resides in our children as we invite them to sprawl and expand into their own greatness, feeling only our love and trust as we remain firmly planted under them, fully supporting them exactly as they are.
There are those who walk within the crosswalk and those who create their own lines. Endless ways to reach your destination. Different challenges in each one. But, when you walk confidently, fully present and in tune with your vibration, there is an unquestionable spring in your step, a natural joy in knowing that you are moving forwards in your own way.