Cracks in the foundation.
Gotta dig deeper.
Move more dirt.
Secure the footings.
Rising fear like flooding waters.
Climbing higher
Full of frailty
Mounting doubt
Insecurity
in the instability
existence threatened
Could it all crumble?
Maybe it should.
Digging deep.
So many times I have wished for a window into the future, into the consequences of my choices.
Seeking certainty in my decisions, weighing my intuition against the feedback in my environment, just to be sure I am getting the best deal, walking the right path, doing the proper thing.
All along I have sought clarity to fuel my certainty. I thought that clarity would provide assurance as if my choices could ever be right or wrong.
The day I chose acceptance over assurance is the day I began to realize there are no good and bad choices, no right or wrong.
When I seek assurance in my choices, I am doubting my capacity to be flexible, creative, and resilient.
When I seek to accept my choices I engage compassion for myself and confidence that I will be ok no matter what choice I make.
To cross the stream, I search for stones that seem fixed despite the moving waters.
These stones suggest a level of safety in my crossing as they seen unmoved by the current,
stronger than I could be on my own.
Is the stream really too deep and forceful that I need the stones or
can I make the crossing?
I question my capacity to carry myself,
despite the quiet flash of reassurance in my belly suggesting I could navigate the waters just fine on my own.
I turn instead to the stones’ promise to hold me.
Without hesitation, I step wildly, quickly, with hope that they will be what they appear to be.
I put my trust completely in the stones
Only to find them unbalanced, slippery, unable to hold me, and
Depositing me completely and fully into the water.
My trust in the stones vanishes into the darkness.
I fight the current…the message…trust no one.
Suddenly the flash returns…trust…trust yourself.
It doesn’t have to be steady, clear, easy, or look a certain way.
I dive into the self-reliance that holds me, guides me, connects me with the edge of safety.
There in that moment I find trust on the inside that inspires more reliable trust on the outside.
What is regular? Normal? The way things are “supposed to be?”
It seems our nature is to crave stability and consistency, to look around us for the expected.
Can the expected really be a constant pattern of change, redefined based on circumstances?
In the fall every tree chooses a slightly different timing and color and pattern of change based on its relationship with the earth, the air, and its surroundings.
Even the evergreen loses some leaves, changes shape, and becomes something different year after year.
This shifting is considered beautiful, an often awe-inspiring evolution.
No tree taking the exact same steps, no one looking the same, yet all normal, regular, naturally changing.
This change allows the tree to thrive.
I must remember there is no right or wrong in change, simply an opportunity to be unafraid, vulnerable, and resilient.
Think about the possibility.
Sweet, ripe, bits of tartness, sometimes mushy, juicy, occasionally messy and on the verge of rotten.
Dripping with flavor and full of surprises.
A steady flow of tastes and textures that overlap and give way to each other.
It has taken me all these years to realize I am not just the piece of fruit.
I am the whole fruit salad, meant to be experienced and enjoyed as a whole.
◦
Caught my finger briefly in the door.
Intense sensation.
Rush of pain.
Momentarily immobilized.
No blood, no mark, and yet I felt such an enormous affront.
Breath gradually returns.
Senses calm.
Back to OK.
Realizing how deceiving hurts can be on the outside…no way to know how the hurt is unfolding on the inside.
What seems like such a minor encounter could feel quite crushing on the inside.
Perhaps it would serve best to judge less and avoid assessing whether feeling hurt is appropriate and rather focus on finding the way back to OK.
Control creates the illusion of safety.
The more I seek control, the more insecure I become.
The more I allow myself to trust the not-knowing to result in wisdom, the uncertainty to to inspire clarity, and the gift of others’ feedback to grow my confidence, the less I approach life as a field of potential failures and instead find a river of opportunities.
The less I grapple with control, the more I understand how much there is to learn and realize how much I already know.
To forgive requires an understanding of worth,
a belief that we are all equal and deserving of freedom,
free from the risks of learning.
It takes purity of mission,
integrity of intention,
clarity of thoughts,
truthful words,
and a loving heart.
Purity is the essence of forgiveness,
wiping away our grudges,
removing hurtles,
clearing the slate.
There is a lightness and ease for both the forgiven and the forgiver when judgment and expectation are released and we are each allowed to experience learning and loving
purely,
gently,
freely.
The more connected I am to you in compassion the more I realize my capacity to give and receive love.
It is in the receiving that I find connection to my higher knowing of my strengths and goodness, of my value and purpose, of harmony and grace.
Love me, but above all may I be capable of receiving that love.
For the love in me becomes the roots and branches of all that I am.
Whether by myself or with many,
Warm or cold,
In a place familiar or the unknown,
At the moment I begin to feel disconnected,
I wrap myself in my memories and experiences,
The times when I felt or longed for love,
And those precious moments I encountered,
even if just briefly,
the unconditional essence of my being,
Always there, all ways there.
Cloaked in this love, I am never alone.
Monday Mindfulness 