Thinking…thinking….thinking….
No room for the heart to heal.
The cast iron vault concealing deep and splintering wounds too fragile to expose.
Can the world handle the explosion?
Is it ready for the imprisoned love and joy to be released?
Will critical thoughts, past hurts, and fear prevent the unleashing?
Oh, to find creativity again…
For creativity to find me.
Touching once more vitality,
vibrancy,
and free expression.
All that is left to do is to
Feel…feel…feel…
Let it all flow…
Hot and messy
like a volcano.
Root down and rise up,
Stop your feet,
Get low to the ground.
Burst with great force,
triumphantly,
unapologetically,
into the sky
Release the big
and scary
and frustrating.
Shake like a wet dog when you feel stuck or over burdened.
Curl inward and rest until you remember your power.
You are magnificent.
You
are
magnificent.
If our morals and beliefs suggest that we should all
love,
support,
and guide one another,
then wouldn’t true,
authentic
moral conviction
show up in the form of
grace
and forgiveness,
not shackles?
A calling back of the misguided to the embrace of
patience and gentleness,
not humiliation
and chastisement.
The invitation
to not be isolated,
but to come closer.
To take accountability.
To grieve in communion
for the loss
of others wounded by their actions
and
for their own internal suffering.
To wail in the arms of
a community
that shoulders mistakes,
missteps,
and misdeeds,
with understanding and humility,
no matter how egregious
on the surface.
To shed tears together to cleanse,
not punish,
embrace,
not discard,
teach,
not convict.
Frenetically charging ahead.
Pushing to make something happen.
Squandering the gift time has given of ponderance.
Moving and changing is exhilarating.
The powerful rush of adrenaline
on the grand loops and dips of the roller coaster.
Is that sustainable?
Movement for the sake of movement can release and even bring progress.
Advancing into action
can relieve pain and fear.
It can also bring injury and dis-ease.
There is great potential for harm with repetitive movement absent proper supports and conditioning.
Every decision is filled with regret or acceptance.
Every decision is likely being made in response to fear.
It may be the greatest fear we have is remaining where we are.
Every decision can be empowering.
It may not require striving,
movement
or big changes
to demonstrate prowess,
intellect,
and power.
It may be adventurous.
It may untangle the bonds of current conditions.
Or, it may be escapism,
grandiosity,
avoidance.
It may be a means of hiding
or running away
from the lessons available right where we are.
Just being,
in the stillness,
in the simplicity,
in the temporarily perceived lack
and stagnation
could be just what is needed
to truly free the heart,
open the mind,
and honestly and gratefully embrace one’s spirit.
To boldly go where no one has gone before
may be an invitation
to stay right where we are.
In the space of silence and stillness,
there is an enormous void,
fabulous,
wide open,
freeing.
Or hollow,
isolating,
lonely?
It is one space.
In encountering this space,
there is a choice made instantly.
Inquiry,
assessment,
judgment
all rush in to
analyze,
identify,
interpret.
The recoiling in the stark emptiness is natural –
that moment when the stillness startles and unnerves as it presses against the constricting familiar.
And, each and every time,
that space can be met with
curiosity or fear,
acceptance or resistance.
It is the potentiality that resides in the peace of the heart.
It is a choice to receive it
as a gift
or a challenge
when feeling so fully
and completely
into ourselves.
Oh, the wisdom and the entanglement of memories that accompany me
along the path of rising over resistance.
Cutting through the cords of debris from the past.
Mired in the mud of judgment and unmet expectations.
Stuck in the quagmire of fear.
The truth, like a sword, clears the rumination,
making way for the realization that
I can choose growth over stagnation,
healing over habits,
and triumph with awareness and agility,
as I change and make good,
drawing with power on my past.
Curled up in a tiny ball,
breath pressing against muscles and bones heavy with the weight of not knowing.
The voice trying to find its footing,
wanting so desperately to be guided to its answers by the outside,
knowing it must dig deep and mine its own direction authentically from within.
In between each sigh,
a tear drops to the floor,
the only sign of motion
in this otherwise still
and down thrown body.
The simultaneous fullness
and emptiness
pulling at its core.
To be all
and
nothing.
Not afraid
to be afraid.
Loss and grief are proof that you have loved.
Love is the gateway to joy,
joy to peace.
You have loved and
known the essence of being loved.
Let the suffering move through you.
Rip yourself open with this grief.
Purify yourself with tears.
Beat your fists on the ground.
Pound your aching heart.
Take and give every punch with gratitude.
Shatter the barrier to feeling it all.
In the shallows of this darkness that accompany the pain,
Let every pain pour out.
Drop for a moment into the stillness,
this vast emptiness your refuge.
And, just as suddenly as the suffering began, a small space,
cleansed by your tears,
and broken open through your courage,
will begin to fill with sweetness, softness, kindness.
A slow, gradual unfolding will take place
as joy reveals itself
shyly,
purely,
authentically,
and more richly
than ever before,
because you have loved
and are willing to love and be loved again.
The field is bloodied.
Swords scattered and strewn.
In the distance, flowers bloom and a river runs cool and deep.
Who are the victors and what have they gained?
What have the defeated truly lost?
Conflict is inevitable but the results are a choice.
To be a victor without gloating.
To be defeated without wallowing.
To receive and face all that comes without fear.
Each day I have the potential to find strength,
balance,
and humility,
regardless of which end of the sword I face.
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Along the creek’s edge,
water swiftly flowing,
slippery mud warns of the potential danger in crossing.
Yet here I am, knowing this is the way to go.
I watch as the current jets and swerves around the moss and algae covered rocks scattered in the creek.
I find the most narrow crossing and yet it seems like still an impassible ravine.
My body tightens with anxiety,
For a moment I choose fear in response to this opportunity to move in a new direction.
In the tightening, frozen, I am,
dreading staying where I am equally to where I know I must go.
Then the anxiety speaks more loudly.
My breath grabs at my chest.
Sweat speckles my skin.
I must make the crossing.
That is my destiny.
I step out onto one rock and
with breath unconvinced of my safety the path begins to unfold.
I pause.
Instead of dashing quickly across the precariously and wide spread rocks,
I reach out to the rock before me and test its steadiness.
In the past I might not have made a connection – I might have tried to move urgently, wobbly and unsure, holding my breath and perhaps even crashing in the cold rushing water…blaming the rocks.
Today, my anxiety informs me of my power to pause,
to narrow my attention, my body, and my focus.
I don’t need to take the path as it is.
I tense not with fear but with agency as I move my muscles into action.
I reach down and shift the unsteady rock before me.
It’s heavy and at first won’t move.
So I narrow and tighten more until I funnel the tightness into strength.
The rock moves…and so do the others beyond it…and so do I.
The rocks settle.
I settle.
My chest releases.
My breath deepens.
My body advances forward,
grounded and a bit more sure.
There are a few more stones to go but I now know I don’t need to take them as they are.
I can make the path my own as I find my way.
Monday Mindfulness 