Even in my darkest moments,
My most intense forms of suffering,
I find flickering deep within an ember of hope, a knowing that this is temporary,
a moment of exploration and learning.
Pain is informative and a reminder that there is the opposite – great peace, ease, harmony, and joy – just around the corner,
riding in valiantly on the next breath,
to remind me that I am just as much that as anything else.
In between the mountains and valleys of thoughts,
Flows an inner resource deep within.
Its current runs through the deepest and darkest crevices of experience and rushes along the jagged and unpredictable surfaces of emotions.
It’s temperature, force, and direction make subtle shifts,
Navigating the terrain as it comes before it,
the inner resource remaining the constant in the ever-changing landscape.
It may from time to time be difficult to discern its presence, but with practice its presence becomes the familiar.
It’s consistent support and connection are unshakable.
All well being stems from and is fed by the inner resource.
The inner resource is the well of well being,
The inner resource is the taproot of our existence.
Can you feel it?
Hope twinkles like tiny stars.
Courage forms in the constellations of small hopes coming together.
Darkness besets as guidance,
a backdrop for creation,
clarity, and definition.
Once the constellation appears,
even when darkness fades,
even when engulfed in light,
the stars are connected,
the constellation remains,
for once seen it can never be forgotten.
There is not one giant awakening.
There is no detachment from pain.
There is not one moment of clarity that instantly falls upon the eyes or mind. There is not one instant one experiences freedom.
It happens bit by bit.
Awakening in the darkness,
in the suffering,
in the discomfort,
and in the dis-ease.
We begin to know it, like a dear and cherished friend.
There is a gradual unclogging, unfogging, and unraveling – that is the mystery of change.
That is the beauty of opening oneself to the potentiality of growing into something different.
Bit by bit, moment by moment, like pieces of a puzzle, thoughts and feeling, sensation and experiences, twist and turn and gradually find their way to fit together.
In that coming together, there is a sense of harmony and ease, perhaps even joy, that surfaces on the horizon,
not in overcoming the obstacles,
not in seeing the finished product,
but in feeling the creative process and drinking it all in.
You are safe and loved.
I support you.
I will protect you.
It’s okay to feel sad, scared, or anxious.
It’s okay to say no.
I love you the way you are.
You are kind, smart, and funny.
You are important.
I am happy you are here.
I follow my breath to the small, tender space of my heart.
This is where I find security and assurance.
This is where in the quiet and stillness I hear the sweet voice of my Self.
I feel the very center point of my existence.
From this center, I am clear as to what I am and what I am not.
From this center, I am kind, courageous, creative, curious,
and, oh, so, very smart and strong.
From this center, there is enough of me to hold both of us joyfully in our play as humans.
From this center, bright light radiates out and all around me full of unconditional love that doesn’t just give and fix and please.
No, this bright, magnificent light protects, defines, and honors my deepest self which in return brings forward my best self for all of us.
Centered in my Self I know more clearly who I am, and who I am not, washing away fear and doubt, posturing and grasping, and external pressures to conform or contract.
Centered in my Self I experience peace and confidence, ease and joy, harmony and health.
I long to be Self centered.
I am experimenting more and more with loving myself these days…not being safe or shoring up relationships to develop a sense of connection but authentic appreciation for who and where I am. I am showing up in the knowing that I have my intuition (that I will call Self) as a guide and while connection with community is an important element of the human experience, connection with my Self is just as crucial.
As I am learning to love myself, I am maneuvering through the awkward balance between selfish and selfless to find the sustainable space between…where ego informs, intuition guides, and I hold onto no preconceptions of what that will look and feel like as I determine what best serves.
The chain that secured the familiar is rattling. Full of insecurities, yours and mine, it informs as I release its grip on my heart, rusty links untangling for all of us to see that freedom is possible.
As I am rattling the chain around my heart I ask that you consider letting your chain rattle too to make room for a new way of showing up for you and for me.
Either way, I will be free but it might be more fun to conspire in the unchaining together.
Cracks in the foundation.
Gotta dig deeper.
Move more dirt.
Secure the footings.
Rising fear like flooding waters.
Climbing higher
Full of frailty
Mounting doubt
Insecurity
in the instability
existence threatened
Could it all crumble?
Maybe it should.
Digging deep.
So many times I have wished for a window into the future, into the consequences of my choices.
Seeking certainty in my decisions, weighing my intuition against the feedback in my environment, just to be sure I am getting the best deal, walking the right path, doing the proper thing.
All along I have sought clarity to fuel my certainty. I thought that clarity would provide assurance as if my choices could ever be right or wrong.
The day I chose acceptance over assurance is the day I began to realize there are no good and bad choices, no right or wrong.
When I seek assurance in my choices, I am doubting my capacity to be flexible, creative, and resilient.
When I seek to accept my choices I engage compassion for myself and confidence that I will be ok no matter what choice I make.
When I learn to let go of anger, you begin to feel ease.
When I stop shaming myself, you become less judgmental.
When I no longer let my past determine my future, you gain hope and excitement.
When I can forgive myself for every and any mistake, shortcoming, and perceived failure, you let go of regrets.
When I remain in a positive state, your fears begin to fade away.
When I unconditionally love myself through the darkness and fears that arise, I invite your inner light to shine.
When I love me, you love more.
When I free myself, I free you.
Monday Mindfulness 