I follow my breath to the small, tender space of my heart.
This is where I find security and assurance.
This is where in the quiet and stillness I hear the sweet voice of my Self.
I feel the very center point of my existence.
From this center, I am clear as to what I am and what I am not.
From this center, I am kind, courageous, creative, curious,
and, oh, so, very smart and strong.
From this center, there is enough of me to hold both of us joyfully in our play as humans.
From this center, bright light radiates out and all around me full of unconditional love that doesn’t just give and fix and please.
No, this bright, magnificent light protects, defines, and honors my deepest self which in return brings forward my best self for all of us.
Centered in my Self I know more clearly who I am, and who I am not, washing away fear and doubt, posturing and grasping, and external pressures to conform or contract.
Centered in my Self I experience peace and confidence, ease and joy, harmony and health.
slippery mud warns of the potential danger in crossing.
Yet here I am, knowing this is the way to go.
I watch as the current jets and swerves around the moss and algae covered rocks scattered in the creek.
I find the most narrow crossing and yet it seems like still an impassible ravine.
My body tightens with anxiety,
For a moment I choose fear in response to this opportunity to move in a new direction.
In the tightening, frozen, I am,
dreading staying where I am equally to where I know I must go.
Then the anxiety speaks more loudly.
My breath grabs at my chest.
Sweat speckles my skin.
I must make the crossing.
That is my destiny.
I step out onto one rock and
with breath unconvinced of my safety the path begins to unfold.
I pause.
Instead of dashing quickly across the precariously and wide spread rocks,
I reach out to the rock before me and test its steadiness.
In the past I might not have made a connection – I might have tried to move urgently, wobbly and unsure, holding my breath and perhaps even crashing in the cold rushing water…blaming the rocks.
Today, my anxiety informs me of my power to pause,
to narrow my attention, my body, and my focus.
I don’t need to take the path as it is.
I tense not with fear but with agency as I move my muscles into action.
I reach down and shift the unsteady rock before me.
It’s heavy and at first won’t move.
So I narrow and tighten more until I funnel the tightness into strength.
The rock moves…and so do the others beyond it…and so do I.
The rocks settle.
I settle.
My chest releases.
My breath deepens.
My body advances forward,
grounded and a bit more sure.
There are a few more stones to go but I now know I don’t need to take them as they are.
I had no idea that as I tore down the wall to rescue my abandoned self that I would nearly smother in the rubble.
Even when loss is experienced in a way that relieves abuse, abandonment and betrayal, the disruption it causes and the pain of breaking through the barriers to healing oneself are great.
And those who helped to build the wall, who reveled in the obstructing and ostracizing of that true self, walk away unphased by the devastation left behind. They go on to build thicker walls around themselves and others.
While their departure ensures the wall they left behind is not reinforced, it hurts that they do nothing to help remove the heavy stones, broken shards, and pieces of what they worked so relentlessly to build.
That burden rests on the shoulders of the self behind the wall. One by one the stones are slid aside. The dust settles. The light starts to shine through the piles and pieces as the opening grows wider and wider.
The power in seeing that self emerge, pale and weak at first – labored breathing, heavy and slow moving, still patiently and methodically forging ahead and finding its way – is so sweet to witness…even in its efforting.
That self digging out from the rubble need not feel animosity, anger, or resentment. No, that self is not needing to be rescued.
That self is triumphing in the freedom of self-acknowledgment, self-care, and self-worth.
Much of the power in healing comes from the self not needing to be rescued. The power is in putting aside the rubble and freeing oneself.
Don’t wait for them to see the richness and uniqueness – see it yourself…
Unwind your tangled perception of you…
Enjoy the where you are and the where you will be, each full of challenges and delights…
Please love yourself just a little more…you are harder on yourself than anyone else ever could be…
Do all things because they feel good and nurture you not because they are “right” or provide a shield from the deep dark thoughts and feelings that face you…
Fearlessly take the hands of hurt and pain and walk with them for a bit, let them guide you out of the darkness until together you find the space to release each other…
Take your time in the process of caring for you above all else…slow down and tend to each and every element of you as if massaging a baby tenderly with the balm of divine love…
Feel grateful for the ease and healing in every breathe…
Move your body with the joy and freedom it was designed for…
You, my friend, are made of love and all those with truest loving eyes will see that and that is all that matters…
Turn your truest loving eyes towards your own heart and hold it sweetly, love it dearly, and this will be enough.
Disappointment implies that joys and successes rely on others.
Anger signals the breaching of important boundaries.
Fear rises from insecurity and a false sense of incompleteness or inability.
These are not bad or broken parts surfacing to limit and constrict.
These are powerful markers built into me that arise over and over again not to point out my weakness, lack, or flaws but to strengthen my knowing and clarity.
My power lies in being not formed by them but informed by them.
So, I sit here day after day wallowing in my mistakes, misfortunes, pain, and suffering.
I hold onto them in my body like appendages…the tension in my muscles, the crookedness of my bones, the heaviness of my head…and heart.
I carry them as reminders of my faults and flaws.
And yet, when I sit in stillness, when I fill and empty with awareness on my breath, I find only peace…ease…joy.
Remembering…
…the gentle touch of others, through their hands, hearts, and smiles.
…the power of my cognition to work the puzzle pieces of every day life.
… the essence of my kindness and great capacity for love.
…the gifts of receivership and gratitude that present so abundantly and frequently.
I’ve been conditioned to hold onto and dwell on the lack and sorrows as if they belong permanently.
Love, joy, and freedom are somehow deemed as temporary.
Today I give myself permission to release it all – to breathe in and out with equanimity in every moment, to imbibe and cleanse, receive and release, storing none as defining me and simply allowing it all to live through me without reliving or retaining any of it as me.
Clearing the channels of experience so that all flows, informs, and re-minds me that I am everything and defined by nothing.
We are wired for connection…to thrive these connections must be established, mended, and maintained.
To Establish requires the courage to welcome something new and possibly quite uncomfortable.
To Mend calls upon our capacity to heal hurts and embrace the pains of growing.
To Maintain is the essence of flexibility and fortitude.
We watch and encourage the healing of the wounded body – its powerful transformation and rebirth, over and over again, ever celebrating its capacity to establish, mend, and maintain.
If only the heart and mind were afforded such a generous space of repair and connection.
Monday Mindfulness 